Total Loser Didn't Get Laid at Tomato Art Fest - Nashville

Total Loser Didn’t Get Laid at Tomato Art Fest – Nashville


EAST NASHVILLE – Every year in late summer, East Nashville hosts a gathering of epic proportions to celebrate a fruit that you probably still think is a vegetable. The hippest and sexiest Subaru drivers travel from all over the state for the all-day festival –and– the rumored all-night f*** fest. That’s right. Every year it is believed that LITERALLY every single person who attends the Tomato Art Fest gets laid. However, according to a new report, the getting-lucky streak may be over thanks to a Hendersonville resident who apparently can’t shoot fish in a barrel.

“Even a 37 year old Gamestop employee usually feels like Dan freakin’ Bilzerian in there”

Early Saturday morning, Scott Graves made made his way to the bustling 5 Points area of East Nashville in anticipation of pounding some some bloody marys, and a hopefully a little something extra. Unfortunately, let’s just say he didn’t exactly make pico de gallo with an organic heirloom. Though swimming in a literal figurative lake of Tennessee’s most beautiful available women, Scott was unable to make coitus with a single individual at the festival. Witnesses describe seeing him not getting laid at multiple points during the festival, sometimes instead enjoying a sun-dried tomato mini-quiche, or casually browsing a plethora of the finest tomato-themed artwork. 

“Don’t Bromato Me If You Don’t Knowmato me”

East Nashville message boards are abuzz, speculating as to why he may have not bumped uglies with a stranger wearing tomato apparel. User E4st_N4sty suggested that perhaps Graves’ obviously homemade “Don’t Bromato Me If You Don’t Knowmato me” shirt did not turn out to be the aphrodisiac he thought it would. Other users like _MistaBarista84 think that the food-and-fellatio festival was just better before it got cool, going into detail about how much better 2007’s music lineup was, and how everyone in attendance got laid “like, six times bro.” 

Event organizers have expressed their disappointment in Scott’s inability to get laid at their festival this year, especially as it is widely known as one of the most sexually explicit tomato-focused events in the United States. “How could you not get laid here? It’s engineered to be fool proof. Even a 37 year old Gamestop employee usually feels like Dan freakin’ Bilzerian in there. Someone’s getting fired. I’m telling you that right now.” The festival is still on for next year at the time of this article’s writing, but make sure to check the official website for updates. 

Jerry Dawson

Jerry Dawson

A self-proclaimed world-renowned journalist with a penchant for fine wine and a knack for "getting to the bottom of things". When I'm not covering Nashville's news, you can usually find me catching a cool sports match on TV at Tin Roof!

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